“It’s so dark.”
“In the beginning, it is always dark.”
The Never-Ending Story
It has been said that when you start your PhD, you face immense self doubt. There are comics written about it, movies showing it and friends preaching it. There is even a syndrome named because of the commonality of these feelings. But somehow, when it’s your own, it’s unique and nothing like anything you ever expected. For you, it’s different. It's real.
Open: My first field season of my PhD.
I had done my best to prepare myself for this adventure knowing very well that there was absolutely nothing I could do to prepare. Having previously done many field seasons in the past, I know that the unexpected is expected and it’s best to just work on being relaxed. However, the previous work has always been for other people and primarily focused on insects while my current project was capturing and releasing small mammals. I worked very hard trying to gain as much experience and knowledge on the subject of catching small mammals before my season. But upon arrival, in the Maliau Basin Conservation Area in Borneo, I still had zero experience under my belt. Sure, I visited a wildlife sanctuary a few months ago and attempted to handle some rats but that was hardly sufficient.
The moment I was driven up to the researcher annex, where I would be spending the next two months, panic and anxiety settled comfortably into my nerve endings throughout my entire body. I knew this feeling would not go away easily. Overcome with self doubt, project doubt, confusion, frustration and home sickness, I forced myself to eat, breathe and cry. When the time comes for you to feel your worst, allow it. Accept it. There is nothing wrong with you. Know that it is temporary.
I found that it is best to treat the situation like any other scientific question: Why? How? What?
I did my best to reach out to the people who love me the most, who I thought would not only give me comfort and understanding but also solutions. Other than the solution I kept coming to, which was GO HOME. Through many very honest conversation with friends, family and other professionals- I came to the not- so- easy conclusion that everything will be alright. (Side note- this post is most definitely coming a few weeks after the darkness, feeling more and more confident day by day, bit by bit.)
It reminds me of the end of my favorite book and movie The Never-Ending story. For those who are unfamiliar- It’s a book based in a world called Fantasia that consists of all human made fables, stories, fairy tales, mystical creatures, etc. When a young boy named Bastian steals a book from a bookshop called The Never-Ending Story, he reads that this world is dying. He follows the story of this young warrior named Attreu, who was sent by the empress to find out why their world is dissappearing. Not knowing or believing it’s a real place, he enters Fantasia but it’s too late. Everything and everyone, but the empress, are gone. He finds out that Fantasia is built on the human imagination. The less we imagine, the less there is. He looks at her and says- It’s so dark.
And she replies- In the beginning, it is always dark.
She grants him one wish, on the last grain of sand left and he rebuilds Fantasia like it was never lost.
The message I take home from this and why it’s so important to me today is just because great things have been done and there are great, amazing people in your field- That shouldn’t stop you from creating your own great work. Don’t compare yourself to the people you look up to. You have your own world to create. And though it may feel, at times, that you are standing alone in a dark room, it’s up to you to design the life of your dreams. All it takes is a good support structure and passion… Maybe some other stuff too (blood, sweat, tears…)
