“It’s so dark.” 

“In the beginning, it is always dark.”

The Never-Ending Story 

It has been said that when you start your PhD, you face immense self doubt. There are comics written about it, movies showing it and friends preaching it. There is even a syndrome named because of the commonality of these feelings. But somehow, when it’s your own, it’s unique and nothing like anything you ever expected. For you, it’s different. It's real.  

Open: My first field season of my PhD. 

I had done my best to prepare myself for this adventure knowing very well that there was absolutely nothing I could do to prepare. Having previously done many field seasons in the past, I know that the unexpected is expected and it’s best to just work on being relaxed. However, the previous work has always been for other people and primarily focused on insects while my current project was capturing and releasing small mammals. I worked very hard trying to gain as much experience and knowledge on the subject of catching small mammals before my season. But upon arrival, in the Maliau Basin Conservation Area in Borneo, I still had zero experience under my belt. Sure, I visited a wildlife sanctuary a few months ago and attempted to handle some rats but that was hardly sufficient. 

The moment I was driven up to the researcher annex, where I would be spending the next two months, panic and anxiety settled comfortably into my nerve endings throughout my entire body. I knew this feeling would not go away easily. Overcome with self doubt, project doubt, confusion, frustration and home sickness, I forced myself to eat, breathe and cry. When the time comes for you to feel your worst, allow it. Accept it. There is nothing wrong with you. Know that it is temporary. 

I found that it is best to treat the situation like any other scientific question: Why? How? What? 

I did my best to reach out to the people who love me the most, who I thought would not only give me comfort and understanding but also solutions. Other than the solution I kept coming to, which was GO HOME. Through many very honest conversation with friends, family and other professionals- I came to the not- so- easy conclusion that everything will be alright. (Side note- this post is most definitely coming a few weeks after the darkness, feeling more and more confident day by day, bit by bit.)

It reminds me of the end of my favorite book and movie The Never-Ending story. For those who are unfamiliar- It’s a book based in a world called Fantasia that consists of all human made fables, stories, fairy tales, mystical creatures, etc. When a young boy named Bastian steals a book from a bookshop called The Never-Ending Story, he reads that this world is dying. He follows the story of this young warrior named Attreu, who was sent by the empress to find out why their world is dissappearing. Not knowing or believing it’s a real place, he enters Fantasia  but it’s too late. Everything and everyone, but the empress, are gone. He finds out that Fantasia is built on the human imagination. The less we imagine, the less there is. He looks at her and says- It’s so dark. 

And she replies- In the beginning, it is always dark. 

She grants him one wish, on the last grain of sand left and he rebuilds Fantasia like it was never lost. 

The message I take home from this and why it’s so important to me today is just because great things have been done and there are great, amazing people in your field- That shouldn’t stop you from creating your own great work. Don’t compare yourself to the people you look up to. You have your own world to create. And though it may feel, at times, that you are standing alone in a dark room, it’s up to you to design the life of your dreams. All it takes is a good support structure and passion… Maybe some other stuff too (blood, sweat, tears…)

Intruder Alert: Confirmed Poop on the Sink

I am still new to "tropical living". There is much to get used to- from the size and appliances in the kitchen (no oven, no gas, only one person can fit at a time, etc) to always having dirty feet because the bottoms are always sticky and it's too hot to wear socks. I feel like every single day, I am learning new facets of a different life and a different way to live.

So, I admit, this particular mystery took me a while to figure out. Because I am super into insects (and dead things), every little bit and spec, moving or not catches my eye. I often stare at fallen leaves, crumpled discarded tissues, tire shards, fallen tree bits and rubber peelings imagining possible movement or the creature it once was. I stop, approach slowly and move my face as close as I can before I figure out that my imagination is getting the best of me.

As mentioned above, our kitchen is pretty small. There is a two compartment sink, but it is very shallow and not very large. If you cook one meal, it is respectful to clean the dishes shortly there after only because there is no room for anything else to happen. Therefore, I frequently find myself doing the dishes. It did not take long for me to notice the little "brown crumbs" that almost looked like dried pieces of fried rice on the upper ledge of the sink, mostly where one would place a sponge to dry. I would wipe it clean and not think of it again. Then the next day, there would be another piece of fried rice. Then a few more. I started to realize, "Hey!! This is probably poop!!" and immediately started trying to find traces of mice. These turds on the sink, look similar to mouse poops but a tiny bit larger, less cylindrical and smooth and much less abundant. Whenever I would walk into the kitchen, I would look up, around, down, across, and beneath searching for clues. I found nothing. But I have also been going to bed quite early and maybe missing some key research. For the past 4 or 5 nights, I have been up a little later and made it a point to check out the kitchen.

"Whiskey Tango Foxtrot this is Alfa Charlie Bravo, we have a 10-99er- the cobra is in the hen house eating the popcorn. I repeat, the cobra is in the hen house. Over."

Turns out, there are about three species of visiting geckos in our kitchen. I could be mistaken, because one of these species does turn from light to dark. Further investigation is needed and in development as I type.
*Poopeater Out.

{Thanks to HKU Reptiles of Hong Kong and Mongabay.com for photos}

Working on Fitting in

There is always a little bit (or a lot) of culture shock when traveling to far off lands. How you respond to these feelings is what makes to a "good traveler" or a "rough traveler". For me, traveling is fairly easy. I tend to adapt quickly and find beauty in even the most mundane. I eat most things. Growing up with an older brother who loved to eat the "exotic" and "weird", I was raised to never turn my nose up at anything. Always taste and be polite. I even have an (non-deadly) allergy to shellfish, that most people would never know about because I will always eat what I am offered... and often times enjoy it tremendously.
Here it comes-
However, living here has been rough mostly because of one fact. I am accepting of the fact that I am sweating more than I ever have in my entire life. Everything is wet, all the time. My scalp is a good 10 degrees hotter than the rest of my body. Those who know me at all, know that I never sweat. Not even on the hottest days in Chicago, when I am wearing jeans. I can't even remember the last time I put pants on.  But this, I can deal with. What I am really struggling with in the treatment of animals, mostly fish and marine invertebrates.
I get it. You don't want to eat a fish that was killed hours ago, let alone a few days ago. I get that people eat fish every day, multiple times a day. I know in most cases, the fish I see, probably just came out of the water that morning or night, and they don't live long in these buckets or tanks that are on display. But man, they are such beautiful creatures! Cuddle fish??? I never thought I would see one alive... and there they were in a little box, with an tiny aerator, looking up at me, waiting to be pulled out and placed in a plastic bag with no water... or best case they are killed and cleaned on the spot. I know their smart. I swear they look at me... "Anna.... Anna!"
Last night, I went for HotPot (A large pot of continuously boiling broth that you place meat and veggies in to cook). It was pretty much an all seafood hotpot. As soon as we sat down, two plates of mantis shrimp, clams, abalone and scallops was placed in front of us, before our hotpot even arrived. Lucky for the bi-vavles, they die upon shucking. However, the mantis shrimp were all still alive. They are phenomenal creatures and kinda helpless out of water. They look nearly identical to a praying mantis, but are not related at all.
It took a good 20-30 minutes for our hotpot to arrive. One of these shrimps kept on flopping off the plate. I almost died. Shortly after the broth came, and the bubbles started to form, I quickly started putting the shrimp in. With some flopping the in the hot broth, while other succumbed much easier, I let out a sigh of relief. I have been to lobster bakes. I know the drill. But I have never seen them struggle so much. But my journey wasn't over, it had just begun.
I was the westerner at the table. It is hospitable to take care of the guest and make sure they are fed well, often times with the biggest and best. When it was time for everyone to start pulling these cooked delicacies out of the pot, I went in and somehow got lucky to get one of the smallest ones! I felt relieved. The mother at the table was not going to have that! She fished out one of the largest shrimps, and placed it in my bowl. Said something in Chinese and took the smaller one away.
I thought, Okay, I can do this. Not so bad. The shrimp was alright. The flavor wasn't what I was expecting and not as strong as traditional shrimp. But as my brother taught me with chicken wings, I left no meat in the shell. Having been to many lobster bakes in college, I was quite good with shellfish.
"Mom" made note of my skill and mentioned to the table how good I was at cleaning my shells, in Chinese (it was translated for me), and passed over another shrimp. Oh boy. I of course ate it graciously, along with all the other organisms.
I know it's not a big deal. But you know, I see a thirsty snail and give it some water. There are things I need to get over. This is just something that is going to take bit more effort. I do enjoy seeing the diversity of species in the fish markets. It really is a very different ecosystem.
I remind myself that I am very lucky to be here... and I was very lucky to be at that table, being welcomed by a family who can't even communicate with me without someone helping. I don't ever forget that. My inner dialogs never stop, though. And I guess they never should.

Photo Credit: Australian Museum

Transport- Square 1

The first few days of settling in were rough. There is no way to describe how dense Hong Kong is. I have been to New York City, London, Beijing, Stockholm, Sydney, Lima, and not to mention living and working in Chicago. I laugh as I type these cities because absolutely nothing compares to this scale of density and size.

When Doug and I arrived at the airport, it was like walking through a mall full of determined holiday shoppers. There was a solid stream of traffic. Doug even tried to walk across the line and it bowed around him, with no drop in speed, as if you placed a brick in a shallow stream. No one stopped, they just... walked around him with no concern. Just like sitting in my car during rush hour traffic, this was something I was going to have to get used to and ignore. Surprisingly, for both Doug and I, sitting in our cars in traffic was the perfect conditioner for acclimating to such public behavior.

We made our way through the airport, to the Airport Express. A magic train that moves faster than superman, with only three stops to get to Hong Kong Island. From there we needed to find the ferry port to take us to the island I would be living on, Cheung Chau. When exiting the Airport Express and as we will soon learn, exiting most train stops, somehow, you end up in a mall. A huge mall. A crazy, huge, complex, stylish, scented air- conditioned, Vegas casino-like mall. Needless to say, after our 15 hour flight and navigating the airport, we were a little flustered trying to get to the ferry. After speaking busted english with a super friendly security guard, we were pointed in the right direction.

As we found the magic exit, I vividly remember the doors opening and feeling the outside air for the first time. Since then, we had been traveling in a massive underground network. We had not been outside or even close to it. It was just about midnight and the humidity in the air was close to visible. There was an instant stickiness to my skin and my clothes felt heavy and wet. There was no relief. We were also carrying all my clothes for the next 6 months. It was rough. We made it just in time to catch the last ferry to Cheung Chau. Easy.

Pulling out of the harbor, we get a better view of the city. As I had mentioned earlier, my dreams were infested with Blade Runner and Fifth Element references, having no idea how accurate they were. The whole city was lit up. There were gigantic barges and ships in the bay, just parked and waiting. We were dwarfed by the freight ships and cranes in the bays. The high-rises grow up the hills behind the city, consuming your space.

It takes at least 30 minutes to clear Hong Kong island. There are small, dark islands with few lights that pop up and disappear. The whole trip from the ferry port to Cheung Chau is about 45- 60 min. We arrived at 1am and my new roommate, Olgierd, was ready to show us to our new home. The ferry lets out right at the heart of the small fishing village. Though most store fronts were closed, there was a couple food stands open and many local fishermen standing around laughing and chatting. To get to the apartment, we have to walk down the main strip- where most of the fronts are seafood restaurants. It smelled faintly of fish, but nothing offensive. You could tell that a few hours earlier this place was busting at the seams.

We walked for 25 minutes, up and down hill, next to the ocean, through some trees and past many staircases. Stray dogs and cockroaches welcomed me on my walk. And though I was sweating more than I ever have, I knew this was the right place for me. Olgierd showed Doug and I to my new home and said farewell for the night. He went to spend the next two weeks with his girlfriend to give Doug and I proper space.

Doug and I fell in love with the place on first sight. It's modest, but spacious in it's own right. There is also a pool, which doesn't hurt. We hurried to find our bathing suites in the clutter that was my frantic packing and went for a peaceful swim with the toads at 3am. I could not have had a better welcome.

*Note: Distance from airport (middle left) to Hong Kong Island, to Cheung Chau (red square)

The Journey

You don't realize how long 15 hours is until you're on the edge of making a huge life change, you've just said goodbye to your dogs and left your home for at least 4 years, you're sitting next to your husband who is leaving you in a foreign land in t-minus 2-weeks and you are in a tiny, cramped little space. 15 hours, is a long time. I feel like the course of the plane's journey, almost mocked my own.

For those of you who have not been on a plane to Asia from the USA, the flight path takes the shortest route, which is north through Alaska. We start heading north right out of O'Hare at around 4pm. This meant we would be flying in front of the sun most of the time, as days get longer the further north you go. The land is green, but flat, speckled with reflective lakes and rivers. My emotions were fairly smooth. It was familiar ground as we glided over Wisconsin and Minnesota. Then we started over mid- northern Canada. Beneath us was water scarred land, few trees and the green that was visible was nearly brown. I started to feel alone and drained, myself. The weight of my decisions was hitting me. Gradually, the water scarred landscape turned into foothills which drastically grew into mountains covered in feet of snow! Glaciers and snow rivers, mud rivers, bare rock, shiny ice peaks reflecting the bright sun, images I have never seen before, glared at me from below. I lost it. I was on a one- way flight to a place I had never been, to start a program I hardly know anything about and I left my dogs! I felt the mountains. I felt the layers of ice and snow and mud. But as the plane kept flying, I kept going. We cleared the mountains of snow and turned south, over the calm waters of the Pacific.

As the darkness caught up with us, mine started to brighten. The lights of Hong Kong gently lit up the sky, and I prepared myself for our descent into my new life, my new home, my new reality.

           

In the beginning...

I am starting this a little late considering I am already in Hong Kong. So, let's rewind a bit. I am a vivid dreamer, in reality and at night when I sleep. The week before I left for this insane journey, every night was filled with a different imaginary city. I did little to no research on Hong Kong on purpose. I like to have no expectations of a place before jumping in. My first dream was super sized.

Doug was driving me and we were headed in the direction of Detroit, but it obviously wasn't Detroit at all. We were going up and down these huge roadways and highways, 10 lanes wide. There were huge Sears Tower- sized cranes and scaffolding above us as we drove in and out of this vast, abandoned industrial landscape. We were the size of mites compared to everything else around us. When we reached our destination, it was very European. The streets were all the sudden very narrow and the houses tightly packed together. We found the house that I was going to move in to and it was right on the water. What water?? I don't know! But looking north across whatever body of water it was, there were huge snow capped mountains and there was floating ice drifting toward my window. In my dream, I remember feeling very far away from home.

In another dream, Doug and I had landed in what looked like Blade Runner. It was nighttime all the time with bright city lights. Graphics floated in mid-air advertising noodle shops, phone carriers and spas. No one looked at us or even acknowledged our presence. In this dream, we had very little direction and basically had our mouths open the whole time. While the emotions and the imagery were very thick in the dream, the story line was not.

The week leading up to my departure, seemed to go very fast and also very slow. I went through much self doubt. To all the people who think I made this choice look easy, it was not. I am a lover of life. My life in Wisconsin, was a dream life. I was very happy there. But there were things missing from my future that I was not going to grow old without. I can love "moments" fully and I do. But when people say they have a dream, they don't just mean they have ideas. Having a dream means pushing yourself to do things you would not normally do to achieve something that you haven't already achieved. As far as I'm concerned, being scared and uncomfortable forces you to grow. I am ready to grow. But I am totally terrified and constantly wonder if this was the right thing. I am human. This doubt doesn't change my path.